In the first year of Confirmation

CONTEXT: Confirmation 2006. It was a "breakout" year as Nghia (core member) termed it.

I distinctly recall this particular reflection. At the midnight hour (literally and beyond) I rushed to complete it. My particular team (believe it was me, Oanh, Liem and Khanh) were responsible for the 2nd reflection of the student retreat (to occur 5/20/06). We had gathered at Chez Pho Sisters' (Tu & Quynh) to go over last minute logistics. We assembled at 5 PM or so after running to the airport to pick up 4 minivans as we intended those vans for transport of the students from VCC in Seattle to Camp Hamilton in Monroe. We brought the vans back to their house, munched down some pizzas and proceeded to go over the retreat schedule. First up: transportation, opening ceremony, and first reflection. After - 2nd reflection. I don't recall exactly the second reflection but Son (Core leader) didn't feel it tied in well with the theme of the retreat. Or that it was strong enough. Looking back, I agree but at the time, it was awfully late to be switching gears on something Me, Khanh, Liem and Oanh had worked out before-hand (maybe I'll post that activity here later).

Back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, by the time we had finished reviewing the original activity/reflection, it was already the midnight hour (literally). My mind scrambled for creativity. We had to find something fast and I was dead beat out of energy. My team members were tired, too.

The next morning we woke and transported the students to the retreat. I hurriedly brainstormed ideas and started pen to paper (not literally as I was using my Toshiba laptop at the time). As I sat huddled in the lower bunk bed in one of the supposedly unoccupied cabins (students and leaders were busy with opening session and first session while I skipped) I let it all flow.

After delivering it, I can still remember Khanh's reaction to my reflection. He was clearly agitated that me and Liem didn't include him on the re-write. He didn't understand that we did not have time.

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In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, 4 years ago, it was not the well-organized, supremely coordinated or inhumanly fun program that you see here today.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, I was also a part-time bartender, part-time bouncer, part-time DJ, and a night-shift janitor at a night club on Rainier. It was called Le Lai.

Le Lai was a club in the ghetto frequented by not the quality people that you see here today. Le Lai played host to many types of people but mostly they were drug dealers, street gangs, g-girls, bookies, small-time gun runners and on some occasions, lost Jehovah witnesses. Strangely, those Jehovah witnesses never got lost there again.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, I had a full-time job at a dot-com in downtown Seattle. I worked from 9 AM to 6 PM and would go home to eat and catch up on errands. Around 8 PM I would go out to Le Lai and clean up the mess from the previous night. I would do dishes, clean tables, mop floors and wipe down the toilets which ALWAYS, ALWAYS had the entrails of someone having a really good time with alcohol the previous night. Around 11 PM the desirables would arrive. There, since I had gotten to know them so well, they would of course expect me to play the good host. And a good host I was. We drank until the early hours as if prohibition was still in effect. We would take down cases of beer, fuzzy navels, Tanqueray and Tonic, Patron, Don Julio, and Incredible Hulks. And then when we were warmed up, we would move on to the hard stuff. When 2 AM rolled around I was in prime shape. I would help close down and get home by 3. And then, unfortunately, as hard as I tried I could never make it so that 7 AM wouldn't come. God never answered my prayers. I would often pray, "Please, please just a couple more hours. Either freeze time or give me a new liver". But 7 AM inevitably arrived. I would then wake up, shower and go to work again. Repeat. And so this was my routine.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program I showed up on Saturday mornings mentally and physically exhausted. The students in my team never understood why I slurred my words so frequently or why I kept bumping into furniture. In addition to my physical shape, they did not receive my best preparation for class as my schedule never afforded me time. I remember showing up for the first confirmation retreat which just happened to be on the Saturday immediately after my birthday. And even though I took down half a canister of the "Curiously strong breath mints" - Altoids, the alcohol still oozed through my system. Literally, I was sweating alcohol. These were not hallmark Michael moments.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, I had never been in so many bar fights in my life. Though we had a rotation of at least 3 300 pound black men to run security, this was never enough for Le Lai. There was never enough security for Le Lai. They say alcohol slows your wits and reaction time but when you're dodging beer bottles, furniture and fists, you can move pretty fast. I had never slept with a gun by in a bar my side before. Guns don’t cuddle well. But under the Le Lai circumstances this was the way. Le Lai never caught a break. Neither this would I consider a hallmark Michael moment.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, I had never lost so many friends so quickly to prison, homicide or overdose. But such is the way when you make your friends at Le Lai.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, I had made a decision, curiously enough, that I wanted to live a more wholesome life. Trademark Michael was dense and stubborn. Trademark Michael says that Michael should strive to have everything; that I should have my cake and eat it, too; That I could balance my spiritual life with my night life. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. At some point, the see-saw that swings between the secular and the spiritual halves just didn’t teeter perfectly in the In Between. I was off kilter, off centered and unbalanced.

In the first year that I volunteered to help with the confirmation program, I ended my commitment and decided not to come back the following year. I wasn’t ready to contribute again. I took half a step forward toward God and a couple of steps backward. In the time between the end of that first year and the 3rd year when I did rejoin confirmation, I punished myself for my imperfection. I had failed and that failure took its toll on my spiritual psyche. In class I railed against excess and indulgence while still processing the liquor from only hours before. On Saturdays I would preach against the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah yet on the Fridays before I would engage in my own debauchery. In my righteousness I never took the time to realize my failures. You could taste the hypocrisy.

In time, however, I recalled the words of Mother Therese when she was asked by a reporter about her life-long mission to help the poor, “What if you fail?”

Mother Therese responded, “I am not called to succeed but to serve.”

And so I continue to serve. As imperfectly as I can and understanding that this, too, is enough.