I am a product of my past. In the formative years, much happened which, at the time, I just took for granted as "normal" experiences. But they weren't normal by most measures and only now do I understand that. My way unfolds before me and with each misaction I perform do I see what others have seen of me for so long: I've been shaped differently. For the better part of the last 2 decades, I've been searching for answers from the preceding 3 decades to try to piece together who I was and who I was supposed to be. During that segment of my journey I've made quite a few mistakes which distorted my views. Recently, I've discovered that it's not worth it to ponder so deeply within your past only to lose sight of your way in the present. That I've been asking the wrong question in wondering, "Who am I?" and instead I should have been asking, "Who do I want to be?"
I am Catholic by birthright and, for the majority of my life, by practice and belief. I have often veered to the side of the Christian path only to have those detours converge paths with my Faith again. Presently, I have taken another one of those detours.
I've many layers and each one shows a different side to me. Peel them all and I believe what remains is a simple truth: I don't need much to live and love my family dearly. I was once proud to carry the soul that I had because it was giving, compassionate, warm and unconditional in its love. So much has happened that this soul has contorted through pain, forged into unrecognizable form against the anvil of time, suffering and searching. It's taking its original shape again, each contortion wrapping back to what it once was.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Credo Question #1: Who Am I?
What is my identity?
How am I shaped by my culture?
gender?
Activities?
Family?
What do the things I really enjoy in life say about who I am?
What experiences and beliefs have shaped my life journey so far, and where am I going?
"to be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle that any human being can fight." - e.e. cummings
"...each of us is here to discover our true self... essentially we are spiritual beings that have taken manifestation in physical form. We're not human beings that have occasionaly spiritual experiences... we're spiritual beings that have occasional human experiences." - Deepak Chopra
"A certain day became a presence to me; there it was, confronting me - a sky, air, light: a being. And before it started to descend from the height of noon, it leaned over and struck my shoulder as if with the flat of a sword, granting me honor and a task. The day's blow rang out, metallic - or was it I - a bell awakened, and what I heard was my whole self saying and singing what it knew: I can." - Denise Levertov
How am I shaped by my culture?
gender?
Activities?
Family?
What do the things I really enjoy in life say about who I am?
What experiences and beliefs have shaped my life journey so far, and where am I going?
"to be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle that any human being can fight." - e.e. cummings
"...each of us is here to discover our true self... essentially we are spiritual beings that have taken manifestation in physical form. We're not human beings that have occasionaly spiritual experiences... we're spiritual beings that have occasional human experiences." - Deepak Chopra
"A certain day became a presence to me; there it was, confronting me - a sky, air, light: a being. And before it started to descend from the height of noon, it leaned over and struck my shoulder as if with the flat of a sword, granting me honor and a task. The day's blow rang out, metallic - or was it I - a bell awakened, and what I heard was my whole self saying and singing what it knew: I can." - Denise Levertov
Monday, February 15, 2010
Credo writing during Lent
I'm in Anne-Marie - http://amkdavidson.blogspot.com/2010/02/credo-writing-project.html
I figure this would be a good way to fall into Lent at the same time!
Oh, and I guess this would mark my return to blogging. At least for now. 2 long years and I'm back :)
I figure this would be a good way to fall into Lent at the same time!
Oh, and I guess this would mark my return to blogging. At least for now. 2 long years and I'm back :)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
A Goodness Reclaimed
A mistake with ill intent
never mended to haunt you still.
one step forward or stay in place?
an easy choice if not for the doing.
the days asunder and minutes fade
but the memory of ... it still lingers fresh.
how do we forgive the unforgivable?
remorse is that craw in your throat.
penitence is slowly gained
an artifact never stolen.
the journey back from the path so right
many turns veered to the dispicable.
the years in making a goodness forgotten
beckon to the years for a goodness reclaimed.
I just need time.
I'm coming back.
never mended to haunt you still.
one step forward or stay in place?
an easy choice if not for the doing.
the days asunder and minutes fade
but the memory of ... it still lingers fresh.
how do we forgive the unforgivable?
remorse is that craw in your throat.
penitence is slowly gained
an artifact never stolen.
the journey back from the path so right
many turns veered to the dispicable.
the years in making a goodness forgotten
beckon to the years for a goodness reclaimed.
I just need time.
I'm coming back.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Self
I've had the fortune of having a handful of friends not from the US. With these I connect most easily. Dima, a good friend of mine, once made an observation - when Americans first meet each and are asked, "what do you?" they automatically provide details on profession, place of work and employment. When Europeans respond to the same they are happy to share details on family, hobbies and lastly profession (in that order).
Do we place such self-value on the titles that we don or the incomes that we command? Does this determine our worth? When is it enough?
In the circles that I frequent I often observe the alpha males parade about with pride and chests heaved. These social gorillas exude confidence and often lead the pack. Without exception the pack obediently follows the greenbacks, dollars trailing. And without exception, these greenbacks have the biggest...salaries. Is respect so cheap that we can't see how easily it wafts with a bill? Would it be different, in that moment, if we stepped back and saw ourselves in the middle of the pack sniffing the ass of Lead Greenback? Would we see the bigger picture that we're just selling out?
What is the difference in working for McDonalds vs. Boeing vs. Google? if the nature of the work at McDonalds satisfied Joaquin should Joaquin stay at McDonalds?
When is it enough?
Do we place such self-value on the titles that we don or the incomes that we command? Does this determine our worth? When is it enough?
In the circles that I frequent I often observe the alpha males parade about with pride and chests heaved. These social gorillas exude confidence and often lead the pack. Without exception the pack obediently follows the greenbacks, dollars trailing. And without exception, these greenbacks have the biggest...salaries. Is respect so cheap that we can't see how easily it wafts with a bill? Would it be different, in that moment, if we stepped back and saw ourselves in the middle of the pack sniffing the ass of Lead Greenback? Would we see the bigger picture that we're just selling out?
What is the difference in working for McDonalds vs. Boeing vs. Google? if the nature of the work at McDonalds satisfied Joaquin should Joaquin stay at McDonalds?
When is it enough?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Every day is Friday
A little less than a week ago, I gave notice to my current employer - Microsoft. I have spent the better part of 2 years wondering what my little experiment, taken on with the best of intentions in 2005, would yield. Early on, the returns proved dubious as various assignments landed me in positions my onset goals could never be achieved. And since then my time has been spent languishing in subpar management, top to bottom. Until recently, that is, with my most recent lead, who's proven to me that there are still techies who can manage and grow (thanks Daneel). Regardless, for 6 months now, I've had one foot out the door. Now, I'm taking my other foot with me.
Since I've given notice, every day is Friday for me. Even Sundays which typically have proven a downer only because Monday (and another day back at work) can't bring me down. Interesting what a small thing like a dead-end job will do to you. Just kidding - who's to complain about being employed by the arguably the smartest employer in the world? And I will admit that I've learned quite a bit in personal growth, career growth and technology. Microsoft will do that for you. I woke up this morning excited to go to work only because my time there is winding down. 2/19/08 - my last day and I'm savoring the remainder of my Fridays. All 15 of them.
Since I've given notice, every day is Friday for me. Even Sundays which typically have proven a downer only because Monday (and another day back at work) can't bring me down. Interesting what a small thing like a dead-end job will do to you. Just kidding - who's to complain about being employed by the arguably the smartest employer in the world? And I will admit that I've learned quite a bit in personal growth, career growth and technology. Microsoft will do that for you. I woke up this morning excited to go to work only because my time there is winding down. 2/19/08 - my last day and I'm savoring the remainder of my Fridays. All 15 of them.
Friday, February 9, 2007
A Proud Catholic
CONTEXT: we started Confirmation 2007 with a group of willing and eager Vietnamese catholics. The planning was months in advance of the first day of class (02/10/07) and we had our leaders' retreat on the weekend of 2/03/07. I sent a letter to the leaders the night before the first day of class:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a video of me as a little boy. I could not have been more than 4 years old and it's a home video of my family, together - all of us, paying a visit to the Grotto in Portland. The movie is a shaky film as the camcorders back then (they still used VHS in case you are young enough to still remember this format) but it catches glimpses of me zipping past the frame, side to side, screaming and being screamed at. Like most little boys, I didn't need to be screamed at cause it didn't help. Perhaps a tazer or vikaden would have been more suitable.
Even then I was independent...never needing instruction or the shackles of authority and parenting to guide me. You could see in my genetics early on all the warning signs - curious, hyper and hard-headed. As the years passed this hereditary protest against authority was compounded by circumstances outside my preferences and influence. I soon learned to take this independence to new heights having to work fulltime before I entered highschool; my mother insisted that we get a good Catholic education but that came with a price tag - the price paid for by my siblings and me as we could not afford the education without. At a ripe 12 years of age, I soon assumed the pressures of being the only man in the house and with that many of the requisite responsibilities. Building a fence? Where's that hacksaw? The car won't accelerate? It must be the line from the pedal to the carberator. We need another room? Let's grab some wood and I'll put up the walls. All of this not being enough, my mother firmly believed that we needed education in sewing, kitting (sweater anyone?), cooking (muc sau right after I haul in a bucket on Friday nights) and cleaning -- how else would a man make it in the world if he was reliant on anything? This philosophy trickled down to the kids in word and deed - trust no one except yourself.
To this day, I still catch myself feeling pride for this independence. The lessons imprinted on you during the formative years don't leave so easily. I still cook though my dishes are no where near as elaborate. I still build though my tools are much better. I still work on my cars though I limit myself to simple things like brake jobs and oil changes. There is much to be gained from self-reliance. But as with anything else taken past moderation, there is also a cost. Pride means strength, right? It also means that no matter how much you get hurt, you pick yourself up and move on without wasting a second cause it really cannot hurt anyway. It means that you should not wait for others what you can do for yourself. The lessons they can teach you, you cannot accept unless you prove it to yourself.
But most of all, pride means that you cannot let go of yourself. And in our Faith, that's an issue. In the retreat this last weekend, all my pride and all my invincibility lied to me. It deceived me in to thinking that self-strength is enduring, indomitable and self-sustaining. But it was none of these. In the end, I stood alone with the wind in my ears and for the first time that I can remember, I surrenderred completely. 34 long years to take such a small step in learning this one lesson.
I come in to Confirmation every year preaching humility and that I can always learn from every one that I meet. In word and thought, I believe this. Slowly, I am starting to believe this in practice, too.
I look forward to another great year with you and I pray that pride does not block your path.
May God bless you with humility and may the students enlighten your flaws,
Michael
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a video of me as a little boy. I could not have been more than 4 years old and it's a home video of my family, together - all of us, paying a visit to the Grotto in Portland. The movie is a shaky film as the camcorders back then (they still used VHS in case you are young enough to still remember this format) but it catches glimpses of me zipping past the frame, side to side, screaming and being screamed at. Like most little boys, I didn't need to be screamed at cause it didn't help. Perhaps a tazer or vikaden would have been more suitable.
Even then I was independent...never needing instruction or the shackles of authority and parenting to guide me. You could see in my genetics early on all the warning signs - curious, hyper and hard-headed. As the years passed this hereditary protest against authority was compounded by circumstances outside my preferences and influence. I soon learned to take this independence to new heights having to work fulltime before I entered highschool; my mother insisted that we get a good Catholic education but that came with a price tag - the price paid for by my siblings and me as we could not afford the education without. At a ripe 12 years of age, I soon assumed the pressures of being the only man in the house and with that many of the requisite responsibilities. Building a fence? Where's that hacksaw? The car won't accelerate? It must be the line from the pedal to the carberator. We need another room? Let's grab some wood and I'll put up the walls. All of this not being enough, my mother firmly believed that we needed education in sewing, kitting (sweater anyone?), cooking (muc sau right after I haul in a bucket on Friday nights) and cleaning -- how else would a man make it in the world if he was reliant on anything? This philosophy trickled down to the kids in word and deed - trust no one except yourself.
To this day, I still catch myself feeling pride for this independence. The lessons imprinted on you during the formative years don't leave so easily. I still cook though my dishes are no where near as elaborate. I still build though my tools are much better. I still work on my cars though I limit myself to simple things like brake jobs and oil changes. There is much to be gained from self-reliance. But as with anything else taken past moderation, there is also a cost. Pride means strength, right? It also means that no matter how much you get hurt, you pick yourself up and move on without wasting a second cause it really cannot hurt anyway. It means that you should not wait for others what you can do for yourself. The lessons they can teach you, you cannot accept unless you prove it to yourself.
But most of all, pride means that you cannot let go of yourself. And in our Faith, that's an issue. In the retreat this last weekend, all my pride and all my invincibility lied to me. It deceived me in to thinking that self-strength is enduring, indomitable and self-sustaining. But it was none of these. In the end, I stood alone with the wind in my ears and for the first time that I can remember, I surrenderred completely. 34 long years to take such a small step in learning this one lesson.
I come in to Confirmation every year preaching humility and that I can always learn from every one that I meet. In word and thought, I believe this. Slowly, I am starting to believe this in practice, too.
I look forward to another great year with you and I pray that pride does not block your path.
May God bless you with humility and may the students enlighten your flaws,
Michael
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
